Embarrassed in Love

Today was a rough day but with God's help, I've lived for Him today! Praise You precious Lord, my Savior, King and Brother, You are My ALMIGHTY! I'm so glad to have such a gift in Jesus. My day started out beautifully and looking back I now know it was God preparing me for what was to come. While I initially had some not-so-trusting thoughts, I managed to retrain my focus back to being obedient.
Here's something I'm a bit embarrassed about that not many people know; Rick has been driving with a warrant because of some unpaid bills. We got our tax return and Rick immediately wanted to pay that off. I agree, that needs to be addressed. However, my not so obedient thoughts were negative in such that I was thinking as soon as we paid that bill, Rick would mentally and unconsciously make an assumption that his proverbial leash would be loosened a bit. I caught myself and prayed that my negativity would be released and trust in God that He works all things for good.
As the day progressed, I managed to get a few chores done with a calmed attitude and peace of mind that wasn't here nor there and the doorbell rang. It was my book! A devotional I ordered from blogging for books targeting marriages in distress. I was excited, stopped what I was doing and read the first day's devotion. Hmmm... how beautifully honest it was, stating marriages are hard work and yes, sometimes, embarrassing. What a relief; it's not just me who gets embarrassed by the circumstances in my marriage. I felt so normal (whatever normal is anyway) for once.
So again, the day went on, I'm on a high, somewhat validated and nothing can ruin this for me, right? Ugh... don't ever get cocky on God's watch and remember, God's ALWAYS watching! Rick leaves, was suppose to take some checks to the ministry center then make a store run for me. He wasn't gone longer than he should have been (if he's gone too long, I begin to worry). I came out of the room when he arrived and he mentioned that he did not make it to the store. "What happened?!" was my response. It was more than a gut feeling that something happened, my instantaneous thought process realized that if he hadn't gone to the store, then he was gone longer than he should have been; something happened.
He had a fender bender with a dear friend of mine who runs the prayer team. My heart sank, my feelings were hurt; I was embarrassed. My old habits of negativity came flooding back and immediately God placed the memory of the devotional in my head; thank You God. He had prepared me for the day when the day began. What more can we ask for?
Once I gathered myself, I prayed then asked for prayer for acceptance of my circumstances and surrendering my will for God's. Then as I asked a friend for that very prayer for me, I had to make that store run myself (the cat still needed food!) and I saw this scripture, "Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy." Psalm 34:5 (not sure of the version). When I looked the entire passage up on biblegateway.com in the NIV, I liked the surrounding messages as a whole:

"I will extol the Lord at all times;
His praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me;
let us exalt His name together.
I sought the Lord, and He answered me;
He delivered me from all my fears.
Those who look to Him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
This poor woman called, and the Lord heard her;
He saved her out of all her troubles.
The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him,
and He delivers them.
Taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the woman who takes refuge in Him." (NIV)

Praise You God! Good night and Amen.

Lazily Catching Up

I really get lazy with these online blogs. I have about four other hand written journals that I keep starting and jotting things down in but to keep one consistent journal, I've failed to be diligent. Even with the other scribed notebooks, I'm lazy and disorganized so for that, I apologize to those, in the future, who may be seeking answers of some sort through my randomness.

So, for today, there is one incident in particular that I'd like to document: about a week ago, my sister in law, Kelly, came to me with a plea of forgiveness through a facebook message. I read it and what she was seeking forgiveness for was that she had contacted Rick's ex-wife, Melissa and sought to be her 'friend' on the website. I'm not sure what her motives were but I had a hunch she was just trying to be a good person. Regardless, Melissa's response was predictable; she was cold, condescending and just a condemning, accusatory bound to be damned being. She is such a lost spirit that it's really quite sad to see her struggle with being so mean to people. I think it takes way too much energy to be as ugly a person as she is when there is so much love out there for us to enjoy through Christ's blessings, who has time to focus on such behavior.

Anyhow, in the end, the lesson was truly mine anyway. Initially, when Kelly showed me the correspondences between the two, I was hurt and felt betrayed by Kelly for initiating it in the first place but somewhat relieved that Melissa had responded the way she did. By the middle of my reading, I knew this was going to require much prayer on my part on how to respond and that I had better start 'now'. So I did.

By the end of the last line I was reading, Kelly had opened a live chat box with me to let me know she had just sent me a private message (similar to an email for those of you who aren't familiar with the system). I felt trapped! She saw that my status was 'online', so I couldn't ignore her, yet I had to say something! Pray, Carol, PRAY! I did, but all I could come up with was, 'I saw, thank you for being so honest.' In hindsight, it was God's response and answer to my prayer because what I truly wanted to say was, 'how dare you betray me, I thought I meant more to you than that, you deserved the way she treated you!' But God restrained me, thank you Lord!

Moving forward, without going through each line of our conversation, I must explain that before each word was typed to Kelly, prayer was used on how to respond.... EACH AND EVERY WORD was the answer to prayer! No joke, or exaggeration, I prayed before EACH word, I feel this is extremely important in this lesson because by the middle of our conversation, I felt myself taken totally by surprise that I had been comforting Kelly in a way I never would have if MY words were in that chat box. But they weren't, they were God's gift to me to be able to not only lift Kelly to the Lord, but to keep me from sinning in my anger. God was SO with me in that hour.

What a sneaky little worm He can be when He works through us huh? I even closed my eyes at one point, fully willing to type the words He had given me, but wanted Him to know just how angry I was with Him that He had made ME the one to console the very person who I felt had betrayed me! I believe my very words were, 'How dare you!' Making me the one to make her feel better when I was the one hurting and who was offended by what she did.

By the time we ended our conversation, she was thanking me up and down, telling me how blessed she was to have me in her life! Crazy huh? But as good as it felt to be told that I was a blessing, I made sure to remind her that it's God's grace that gives us forgiveness and nothing else. It was not I who wanted to forgive, but God's reminder of obedience and His guidance that led us to this point in our lives that we should have this conversation.

So, remember! Regardless of your situation, God hears you, He knows your pain, He is there for you and will NOT forsake you, but will assist you the entire way if you just listen to Him. I don't mean listen like remember what you've learned in Sunday school, but pray to Him every step of the way, He's speaking to you, just rest in Him and hear what He's telling you! Let God.

"Your word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path." Psalm 119:105

Praise You God!

Until next time, Carol